a whale of a tale.

so 2 of my 4 readers have asked why i hate whales. and opposed to acting like a celebrity blogger and responding individually i felt this was strong enough of a topic to post directly about it. or shall i say them.

in third grade i sat in ms. debo’s classroom probably starring at the wall or scratching the side of my trapper keeper with my yikes! pencil top attempting to learn about the ocean.

i should disclaimer. i grew up near lake erie in a town called hudson, ohio. a lake. not just a lake. but a lake that caught on fire twice and has enough pollution to cause birth defects in a population comparable to the city of charlotte type lake. no whales. no sharks. in fact nothing living because of the stark toxicity and potency of the “mistake on the lake” cleveland.

anyways without digressing. in 3rd grad we were asked to measure some lockers the length of a blue whale. simple task. sure. i owned a neon clear ruler and was precise in my measurements. it wasn’t until i was the length of the entire freaking hallway that i realized “holy shit whales are huge, i hate them”. but it wasn’t until our teacher announced whales are bigger than school buses that i realized i really really despised them. i am sure at the ripe age of 10 i said those exact, if not worse words.

that was situation #1. in flies #2. you know in auroara, ohio there used to exist one of the only sea worlds in the US? no? well now you do. 10 minutes from my house, shamu, nanu, and all the rest of the meaningless animals laid their cold blooded heads down next to the flat land of corn and amish of central ohio.

every single school trip was directed to sea world growing up and ironically in 3rd grade we went to sea world to learn about the beasts of the deep. while posted up in the splash zone i was feeling guilty about my premature hatred for whales when i saw shamu doing all sorts of tricks and smiling at me. i was giving him and the rest of his slippery schoolbuses a second chance. until this happened….

ok that is an exaggeration. really all he did was get spooked and pin his trainer underneath his razor sharp devil teeth nose and carry her to the bottom of a 50 yard tank. being in the splash zone you get the full view and the panicked look on her face said whales are the enemy and they should be locked away in the deep ocean. being 10 years old, i was officially scarred.

for the next 3 years my mom would play free willy on repeat to break my from my fear of whales that lead to my distrust of the ocean (while harbors these schoolbus human eaters). the only thing i gained was an affinity for the soundtrack and a personal identification with the theme song by the late michael jackson.

over the next 15 years i have convinced myself of the following:

  • the ocean is too big and needs to be resized
  • all whales need to be put on a diet and shrunk to the size of dogs
  • i am convinced i am the size of krill and therefore vulnerable to whale consumption
there you have it. freud would agree my repressed emotions towards whales causes insecurities with my current relationship of the ocean, i am stuck in the oral phase of development fearing i am krill, and i have whale penis envy. but really who doesn’t ;). 

One thought on “a whale of a tale.

  1. gwensquarepants says:

    Hahaha! Thanks for clearing it all up! I still think you’re still a little crazy… bees are WAY worse than whales. Fuck bees.

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